The wooden spoon

Lulu over-tired and super naughty last night. Pouring water all over table during dinner, rocking back and forth on chair and making weird noises while banging her spoon on table. Hurt my tired old Mum ears.

Very difficult to come up with creative disciplinary measures that actually work. Eventually made Lulu sit on her bed and told her that if she got off before I got back I would take all her books away. Hooray! Poor little mite did as she was told.

Later, when she had stopped crying, I told her about how my parents used to hit me with the wooden spoon, sometimes so hard that it broke in half. Lulu very concerned and asked if I ever had to go to hospital. Then said that if she was born back then she would have given me a hug and looked after me. Awwwww...

Dodgy Mum 101

Have had exceptional number of dodgy mothering moments this past week.

First off, tried to discuss parenting in honest and open fashion with my brother, who is soon-to-be-father. After ranting about how men need to be the hunters while women should stay home and mother (with mother's groups supposedly being ideal because they reenact the tribal atmosphere), brother said that anyone who listened to me discussing parenting would have an abortion.

Soon after, was told off by Lulu's rather shirty dancing teacher for being late to pick her up from dance class. Felt very guilty. Was late because having coffee with J. J had fascinating tales about her life as a gynecologist, including a couple who are having IVF because they are such busy high fliers they cannot coordinate time to have sex during fertile period. Felt a little envious that I do not have such good stories to relay.

Finally, tried to lift K's daughter, A, up onto monkey bars and accidentally hit her head on rail. A is possibly the worst child to injure in such a way as she is very delicate and wears tracksuit pants under her fairy dresses in order to avoid scraped knees. K not happy.

Thankfully, though, it is always possible in life to find someone more unhinged than oneself. Found out D went mental at park mother A because A took one week to replace W's toy rocket, which her large and ungainly son broke. D told A that her tardiness made D's week a fucking nightmare and that she had to listen to W whine about his broken rocket on a daily basis. D's partner, S, said she stood on other side of the park and pretended not to be associated with D as outburst was so embarrassing.

Weekend getaway

Spent Sunday feeding cockatoos and rosellas up at Mt Dandenong. Lulu not impressed that a giant cockatoo bit her on the finger. Me not impressed when one bit me on the thumb. P smart and avoided the bird feeding process altogether, preferring to tell small boy that his toy sword was not a mallot, but a something-or-other of which I cannot remember correct name.

Stayed at Mum's place while she was down in Melbourne. H (the dog) pissed on floor twice. Preying there will be no tell-tale signs as lied when Dad asked if he lifted his leg in house.

Must face facts. No such thing as relaxing weekend away when small child in tow, no matter how adorable she may be.

D not preggers despite injecting herself with hormones and being inseminated with donated frozen sperm in hospital. Fertility is cruel, cruel business.

I heart TV (no matter what others may say)

Got a bit too excited about new ABC non-stop kids channel. Park parents M and B became quite self-righteous about negative effects of television viewing on young person's brain. Had already gone on quite a bit about how great it is for children's shows to be on all the time and was therefore too late to back out and sound like a good, responsible mother who makes effort not to raise vegie child. Actually really like M and B, so shame they do not share my passion for 24-hour children's television programming.

Astro Boy

Took Lulu to city today. Planned to see Astro Boy, which we did, though left once Lulu finished box of popcorn and became bored. While formulaic and predictable, kind of peeved I missed the end. Bought Space bags from Howard's Storage World to improve mood. Have very much enjoyed reading their in-house magazine, In Place. Have fantasy of organising wardrobe/life. Will soon have home Howard would be proud of.

Complete strangers in city super nice to us on account of Lulu being gorgeous. Although, strange lady at train station told me I had better hurry up and have another kid and that I should have two girls and two boys. She said I don't have much time as Lulu will soon be too big to warrant extra siblings. Think Lulu is amazing but don't want any more kids. Have occasional bouts of self-loathing/guilt due to lack of overriding maternal desire, but then feel relieved that I am not preggers. Still have flash-backs to time I begged pharmacist for Morning After Pill four days after unprotected sex. Almost had panic attack when she wouldn't give it to me. Thankfully, not very fertile and didn't get knocked up anyway.

Armed and dangerous

Noticed large hole in crotch of pants while riding bike to work. Lucky was wearing knickers same colour as split trousers. Particularly precarious situation as husband removed baby seat from back of bike and therefore had to balance laptop bag and regular bag on handlebars of bicycle.

Not sure why husband decided he wanted seat on the back of his bike instead of mine. Daughter was not overly enthusiastic about whole affair - especially when bike almost fell over as husband tried to mount it. Just before heading off on 'life-be-in-it' style family bike ride child said, 'I don't want to go anymore' and had that horrified expression only a three year old can muster.

Very sweaty thanks to 99c 'vintage' ebay shirt that appears to be 100% polyester. Shall be forever known as smelly, sweaty mother with hole in pants who cycles with inappropriate amount of baggage.

You can exercise anywhere

Tried Mummy/baby yoga of couple times when my daughter was first born. Was ineffective due to baby who cried every time I put her on the floor in order to achieve bliss, harmony and downward dog. Felt ashamed when had to feed my baby from bottle due to low milk supply. A particularly daunting act in organic yoga environment. Gave up. The $15 class cost was better spent on latte and cake or cheap manicure at Vietnamese nail salon.

Morning exercise Mum is more a buff Madonna-esque type, taking her toddlers to the playground every morning while she uses the equipment like a gym circuit. Today I watched her from my daughter's bedroom window. Had a particularly self-satisfied chuckle as she did squats on the pretend surfboard. Her children, however, avoid the play equipment at all cost. Probably think it's for grown ups only. Reminds me of this book I once owned called, I can exercise any where. Had particularly handy hints for how to burn calories while standing in queue at the Supermarket. Must try and dig that one up.

Kicking and punching

D back from Scienceworks today. Pissed off because friend's son would not play with W. Says friend's son is probably autistic as he not only has no interest in playing with W, but enjoys wriggling his fingers in front of his face for hours on end. D, also hormonal after being inseminated with sperm in attempt to breed second child. Bad combination.

D still fuming from when a different friend told her that W appeared to be an ADHD sufferer. Personally, I too have my suspicions. W came to our house today as he is Lulu's friend. Went crazy because Lulu had frog eggcup and he had Humpty Dumpty. Then he started kicking and punching her like someone not in control of his emotions. Disturbing.